New Haven (Haven????)

Before reading this post, please note one important fact: We could have had a reasonably normal date with either of the two men described below. This said, the combination of the two men together was…fascinatingly uncomfortable. We need to thank our host, a friend from college Hillary wants to refer to as Face Face Goggle, for providing us with our most awkward date yet, because, let's be honest, folks, we needed this kind of date to bring us back to the realities of dating. Everything had been going way too smoothly until this point...and we are soon headed back home to the terrors of Oakland and North Carolina dating scenes...so, without further ado:

Let us now provide you with several vignettes that will illustrate this disastrous dating dichotomy:

#1) First impressions..

Doin' Too Much Activist (DTA) emerged from his bumper sticker-clad Volvo in a pink sweatshirt, oversized khaki pants, pink Chuck Taylors, and a pink plaid driving cap. He also wore tiny dangling earth/globe earrings à la Cost Plus World Market that were clearly favorites as the paint was peeling off half the earth. When he later removed his pink sweatshirt to reveal a lime green polo (which matched his frog socks, because, "that's kinda the point"), we noticed a pin that read, "Stop Mountaintop Removal." (We later learned he wears this pin on every layer of clothing.) He was over 6 feet tall, pretty hottish figure, and had wonderfully groomed facial hair in Danielle's opinion. Is this her love?? 

Foppish Yaley (FY) showed up 20 minutes into the date, a bluster of academic energy. He rocked a navy blazer with tailored khaki pants and dress shoes. In his breast pocket he had a pocket square--also striped navy that matched his neck tie. A clump of curls flopped into his face over his unremarkable, wire-rimmed glasses. 

Sidenote: Our seating arrangement was unfortunate for both Hillary and Danielle. Danielle was seated in between the two dates, whereas Hillary was across from them all, next to Face Face Goggle who had set us up with the men (yet, had never met FY) and agreed to chaperone us on the date. 

Although Hillary was sitting across from both men the entire night, as we type this, she realizes that she doesn't remember anything that the men were wearing. That is because Hillary was not really there. She was in Hell. 

Here is an image of what Hillary was probably observing (more real-life awkward end-date photos of DTMA to come, once Danielle recovers her lost iPhone.)

#2) 

Danielle (starting on our list of questions to get the convo going) : So, um, do you guys have any, um, favorite TV shows?

FY: Oh yes! The Big Bang Theory? Or How I Met Your Mother! I like that show!

Danielle: You know, I don't really have the attention span to sort through a plot that covers an entire series. 

Hillary: (says nothing. Slightly rocking in her seat)

DTMA: How I met your mother? I hate that show. Barney is a date rapist. 

#3)

FY: Blah blah blah 'Baby-momma joke'

DTMA: (has a baby's momma)

#4) 

FY: I love to visit New York. It has the best cigar shop, and the Yale Club is superb.

DTMA: New York is the epicenter of oppression.

(This is the point when Danielle and Hillary stupidly asked the men to participate in the question-asking process to relieve some of the tension and empower them/make them feel more comfortable with the direction of the date. Hillary is a therapist, so this should have been simple.) In #5 below, please read their individually chosen questions:

#5.

DTMA: What is your least favorite corporation?
FY: American airlines because the food is bad, they're inefficient, and make flying worse for all of us (#firstworldproblems?)

FY: Where are your earrings from?
Hillary: (silence, more rocking back and forth.)

#6:

DTMA was in his fallow year from drinking, whereas FY suggested we all share a cocktail bowl and then spin it on our heads while singing a song that he then sang to the entire table. No joke. It was a long song, too, and included pounding the table and inserting Hillary's name into the lyrics, like, 8 times. 

#7:

DTMA asked Danielle to taste all the food before he would. Maybe because she was black? Long, serious convo ensued about the “racist” menu between DTMA and Danielle, while on the other side of the table, FY continued to ask questions about Hillary’s earrings.

#8:

As you may have observed, Hillary loves talking about things that she hates, like New York, icebreakers, birds, etc. FY was incredibly uncomfortable with this, and kept changing the conversation, saying we needed to talk about positive things. Hillary hated this so so much. 

#9:

Danielle: What is your favorite sound?
FY: “Cigars burning,” “Genuine Laughter,” “The sound of my Yale jacket rustling”
DTMA: “Flatulence” and “A beer bottle top being popped.”

#10:

Hillary had a mental breakdown after FY suggested continuing the awkward evening by walking to a cookie shop. The breakdown ended with her slamming the table and emphatically repeating “I cannot eat a cookie, I cannot eat a cookie.” (Hillary had tried to therapize herself inwardly throughout most of the dinner, but couldn’t hold it together at the end.)

#11:
The only verbal interaction between the two men was FY stating, “Thank you, Brother” to DTMA at the end of the night. This statement came after FY had led us on a questionable late-night walk through a city park, where DTMA had thanked every REAL brother in New Haven that was sleeping on benches and asking him for money. 

#12: Throughout the entire date, time was going very slowly—even the restaurant staff’s birthday song sounded like a funeral dirge.

And, like a funeral dirge, this dating journey marches on.