Cougar Town, KY

Wow. We love Kentucky. Relocating?

We shall rewind and explain:

On a family recommendation we set out from Nashville to Louisville on some crappy backroad. Danielle was dry heaving and breaking out in rashes (hangover induced?) in the backseat regretting the loss of her travel advil. Katie and Hillary were being competent in the front seat, binge eating pickles and salt and vinegar chips.


We did find a spooky cartoon haunted house on a hill across from a crappy expensive dinosaur land before mammoth cave. Then we realized it had taken us two and a half hours to go sixty miles. So we got on the highway and made it to Louisville by dinner time.


An awesome friend of Hillary met us for dinner and said she'd bring one, if not two, single dudes. She did pick a great sushi spot and awesome cocktail bar, however only one of the men she knew joined us. She connected us to a 21 year old young lad who was a safe and upstanding guy.

But that's about all we could really get down with - and we're pretty sure that was mutual. 21 year old shared that he was on the paleo diet, but also that sushi was totally paleo.

rice?

Paleo kid ordered fried rice and defended it's paleo-ocity. Paleo kid had no idea what the paleo diet was. He questioned whether rice was a plant. Then he asked if wheat was a plant.

As it was immediately established that none of the three of us had a love connection, we moved to talking about dating in abstraction.  Paleo kid admired a gal at the booth behind us (brunette - just like his momma) and remarked that the cute blond who was checking him out wasn't gonna work because, "No girl with any class wears a baseball cap." Burrrrrn. Hillary then said, "well Daneille's out!" ... not a winner winner, and he certainly didn't pay for our sushi dinner. Then he gave us a long list of other deal breakers.

Incidentally, he is single.

But fearless readers don't fret: thousands of miles away Danielle's homie JMac already took care of our Kentucky dates.

JMac grew up causing a ruckus in the bluegrass state and she reached out to her old friends - who took up our cause... and set us up... with one of their sons.

Initially,  Danielle didn't know what was happening.

Peep the email chain below:

From: JMac 
Subject: weird request: help my friend get dates in Louisville

No this is not spam, 

My good friend from Oakland is traveling the country with her best friend from college doing some blog adventure thing called 30 dates in 30 states. They'll be in Louisville this week....do you know of 2 upstanding single guys that would go out with them this week? They'll get national press (aka description on date/pica will be on a blog)

They're cool and fun and young (more like 30....not old like us)...

Who would do this?

I'm including Danielle's email so you can forward them onward...



From: Louisville Friend

Ummmmm single upstanding guys in Louisville? Only ones I know are Trenton's age 20-22


From: JMac

I love the trenton idea. They could do something wholesome non bar related... do they have jobs? Can they afford a night on the town? Maybe putt-putt would be in order


From: Danielle

What is "Trenton"? I'm concerned about being entrapped for underage solicitation on to catch a predator, but simultaneously game. 

Thanks all!


From: Louisville Friend

Well Trenton is 20. 21 in October. He works at the dive shop teaching scuba. The KY age of consent here is 16 really.... All his friends have jobs, we don't have putt-putt but they go fishing a lot? Lots of country boy activities. But love girls ; )

Just talked to Trenton. Said he'd love to take you all on a KY adventure. They are lots of fun and very sweet. 




So, at 10:45, exhausted from a loco drive, a loco paleo 21 year old, and our loco hangovers we called a very deep-voiced Trenton who invited us to a personal scuba lesson. Voice boded well. Accent was super hot. He did keep calling me ma'am though...

Cougar town: population us?

We did spring an additional gal on him - which I think might've thrown him off. When we reached out we advertised two ladies but as you know, we're a trio for the week.

At dinner we told our friends we were going diving. Hill said she was envisioning something tropical. Her friend said to get real and that this was Kentucky; it's either a quarry or a muddy river.

So when we rolled up at the address Trenton gave us, well, we were surprised it wasn't a quarry. It was an indoor pool - 10 feet deep and glowing in the pale fluorescent pool light. 11 pm.

We were greeted by a tall strapping Trenton and introduced to his homeboy Spencer.

They directed us to the women's changing room where we took the alarmed photos below while silently yelling at each other about how ridiculous it was that we were late night scuba lesson-ing in a small pool with men born in the 90's. Ha! All in all it felt very redneck-european.

Also: never had a first date in our swimsuits. Good thing were some old broads who don't care about being self conscious and all that shit anymore.

After catching our breath from continuous hysterical laughter we could begin our lesson. The boys taught us how to put on our gear, breathe underwater, and ensured that we weren't about to freak out. As this was happening, we tried to chat them up. While strapping us into our vests Danielle asked Trenton if he gives all his dates private scuba lessons.

There was a sly smile and silent assent... followed by laughter all around.

We got the hang of it and did a few rounds in the deep end. I fear our writing can not convey how ultimately cool this experience was. Chivalrous awesome gentlemen teaching to dive at midnight. Even from a non-romantic perspective the experience was exciting and peaceful and it felt like we must be doing something right in life to have such an experience.

After taking off our goggles we floated about and picked the boys brains:
-they're redonkulously hilarious
-they have more (literal) stuck up a creek stories than anyone we've ever met
-they're the most well-travled southerners we've met yet
-Spencer ran over his brother with a stolen Zodiac (...twice) but then saved his life the first time by shoving a snorkle tube down his throat to clear his airways.... at age 8. Uncle Sam is getting a US Navy Gem with this kiddo
-much like katie and danielle their friend group has an acronym
-branding with a hot spoon is not a good activity
-neither is hurling fish guts at eachother while stranded on a hot lake
-getting tazed while handcuffed won't kill ya
-a roof is a great place to avoid the cops
-diving in a wet suit isn't a good activity if you're trying to evade imminent arrest as your feet float
-"jumping to your face" down 40 steps is a bad idea
-falling off a balcony when your tip your head back for a swig without people around is a BAD idea
-you know you're hot when your ex-girlfriend comes after you with a golf club
-always bring two thirty packs of bud


As we mentioned in Charleston, we wanted guys to ask us questions. Well, these did. They asked us what crazy stores we had. We looked at them silently and realized our tame lives paled in comparison. We had nothing.


After chastely chatting until 1:30 while standing with a counter between us, we called it a night as the men had to work tomorrow.


We've never felt so "both" about something as we did about waltzing out without any romantic overtures. We should've made out with them. And we probably did the right thing in not. We are all conflicted about our choice, even 15 hours later.



Overall lesson: always go on the date.



*Spencer's lawyer should feel free to contact us if he has any problems with this post