New York Date #2

Again, let it be known that we hate New York. Ok, ok. Not so much Danielle, but Hillary has found a true nemesis in the city. Her new motto is: "New York, where everything is harder than it has to be." No crude jokes, please.

Yet, for SOME reason, we were going to go on ANOTHER new york date. Actually we had TWO more dates (another back-to-back double-double-dating scenario) set up for our second night in NYC. WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OURSELVES? WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS. 

(a quick glimpse into our typical pre-date conversations)

Hillary: OK, I know we haven't slept or showered in days, and we hate New York, but we have to rally and go on a dinner date with this friend of Jenny B., and yes, I know we don't know who the fuck Jenny B. is, but we have to go anyway, because Jenny B.'s friend is my friend, and I would feel too guilty to ditch it. And then, we have to rally even more and go out for post-dinner drinks with two Wesleyan guys at yet another hipster bar, because again, I'm too guilty to cancel since we were set up again by hyper-competitive LawyerFace. And, here's the worst part: one of the guys is Australian.

Danielle: Ugh, Australians are sinister. And I am so, so tired.

Hillary: OMG, I just got a text message from Jenny B.'s (??) friend, and he has to cancel our dinner date due to a forgotten salsa lesson!!!!! YESSSSS!!!!!

Danielle stops rinsing her hair in the shower and salsas across the room: YESSS!!!!!! Date cancelled!!! YESSSSS!!!!!

This is seriously what it has come to, folks. 

So, we were able to nap for a hot second before applying limited make-up (i think?) and heading out to yet another Brooklyn bar to meet our post-dinner dates. 

STAGE 1: Are we at Wesleyan?

Oh God. Another hipster bar. Everyone has asymmetrical haircuts. We run into the bathroom to cry and try to flip our curls. It's impossible. Curly hair is SO not hipster. We have stalked the guys on Facebook pre-date, so we know what to look for, but we realize they have no idea who we are, so Hillary sends them a text: "Hi. I am wearing a white shirt. And Danielle is...brown."  After a few minutes, we locate them in another part of the bar, reading the text, and perhaps getting nervous? Aussie is stereotypical beautiful blonde frat brother - although Wesleyan sized, whereas Ortho-date (named as such because of his Jewish background, not anything tooth-related) looks like a smaller version of Hillary's brother. Aussie has a well-worn constellation tee shirt with cut-off shorts (v. casual hippie nyc bro chic). Ortho-date has on jeans and a blue button-down (just coming from work) with dress shoes. We take it all in, and wait for them to approach. 

STAGE 2: Initial Awkwardness

We all grab our own beers and sit down at a booth near the back of the bar near the indoor bocce ball court. [If my (Hillary) mom were allowed to read this blog, here is where I would type: "Mom, add this to your definition of hipster: indoor bocce ball."] We began to have awkward initial conversation, which Danielle and Hill COULD have mediated (because, hello, we are beyond practiced at this by now), but within 2 minutes of sitting down, the boys announced, "We should play bocce ball." Errrrr...Can we at least down a beer or two first?? Nope, apparently not. 

STAGE 3: Bocce Ball

In some secret-boy-language untold to us, the men decided how to split up the teams. Danielle was matched with Aussie, and Hillary became Ortho-date's partner. During the game, competitive juices ran high between the men. Tosses were questioned, points may or may not have been erased from the scoreboard, and Hillary's suggestion to lighten the tension by tossing the balls in creative ways (such as behind-the-back, etc.) were met were looks of incredible disdain. "That would really take away from the integrity of the sport" was the exact quote, we believe. At this point, Danielle and Hillary's moods diverged. Danielle appeared to be having a relatively good time (her team came out on top, and with a few G&T's, the sinister Australian accent took on a more Downton Abbey vibe, thank goodness), whereas Hillary was feeling pretty done with the whole bar-sports thing. Also, we must add that conversation was clipped and awkward due to the shuffling back and forth from one end of the court to the other, and also due to the unnecessary tension between the teams. We tried to ask them a few of our regular date questions to get the convo going, but even the ever-winning "Do you like Nicholas Cage?" couldn't save us, when the guys insisted that we play another game of bocce. Oy. 

At one point Danielle asked if the guys spent much time together (because their ribbing of each other indicated a higher degree of intimacy than one might've initially guessed at). Apparently, they hang out all the time. OK, so the shit talk made more sense. A pattern we've observed: we tend to have more fun on dates when the guys actually know each other and are friends. 

Wait, Danielle thinks this date sounds worse than it was, because she was, in fact, having fun: there was much high-fiving and team spirit (on Danielle's winning team), the boys offered to buy another round of beer, and although clearly not a love match by this point of the evening, it was a fine-ish college-spirited time.

Hillary disagrees, and was done the second they refused to play her new, highly creative way of bocce ball. Hillary does not enjoy condescending men. It's one of her things. 

STAGE 4: Losers 

Hillary and Ortho-date lost to Danielle and Aussie, and Aussie exclaimed that the losers had to buy drinks for the winners. Fine. Fair enough. What wasn't fair was when Hillary and Ortho-date went to the bar to buy a round, and Hillary ended up buying the drinks for both the Winners. Again, for Hillary, who cowers when it comes to paying-time-awkwardness, it's not about the money...it's about how the interaction goes down. When Hillary and Ortho-date got to the bar, Ortho-date said nothing, so in an attempt to pre-empt any paying tension, Hillary piped up, "Hey--I'll grab their drinks." At this point, she stupidly thought Ortho-date would say, "And I'll grab yours." Instead, he said nothing. Then, to get rid of THAT awkwardness, Hillary tried, "And I'll get yours too! What would you like?" Ortho-date replied with: "No, that's okay. I'll get my own." Hillary WAS DONE. (In other news, let if be known, that while waiting for the drinks, Ortho-date also denounced Hillary's creative way of playing Extreme Rock, Paper, Scissors--a game she had tried to teach him in order to overcome the awkwardness of the creative bocce ball convo.) At this point, Hillary confirmed that Ortho-date was born and raised in NYC. Yup. This was all making sense.) 

STAGE 5: Unfortunately Placed Couches. 

Hillary and Ortho-date returned to the back of the bar, where Danielle and Aussie were looking pretty cozy on one couch. How did this come about? Post-win, Danielle went to grab her purse and Aussie had already moseyed over to the couch area (perhaps the space least conducive to a 4 person conversation in the entire bar). Danielle liked him. He was nice. But this was a questionable decision. Trying to refrain from being too forward and to leave space in the event that Hillary actually wanted to talk to Aussie, Danielle sat down on the couch across from Aussie. She then initiated a conversation about who knows what - but it was immediately apparent that neither she nor Aussie could hear anything. After, like, five minutes of saying, "What?" over very loud indie music, Danielle moved. OK, score-ish - I mean, he was clearly a hottie, but there wasn't much chemistry. Both dates were prep school NYC dudes who had good jobs and witty repartee. So, you know, way too employed and high-brow for our usual taste. 

Due to the pre-ordained seating arrangement, Hillary begrudgingly handed the winners their drinks and proceeded to sit on the other couch with Ortho-date. Because we hadn't come up with hand signals to show how we were ACTUALLY  feeling about our dates, Hillary had NO idea how Danielle was feeling about Aussie, and she couldn't even eavesdrop on their convo, because the couches were so damn far apart (This must be why other chicks go to the bathroom together?). Hillary chose to try to drum up conversation with Orthodate by asking him her litmus test question: "Do you believe in ghosts?" Hillary has realized that this question determines if she will like a person or not. Hillary awaited the typical smartypants chuckle; however, it never came. Instead, Orthodate actually gave a very nuanced, heartfelt response. Shit. Hillary had to re-examine her hatred. From this point forward, Hillary and Orthodate had intense conversations about ghosts, belief in God, various sects of Judaism, how his parents had met, hopes for the future, etc. Hillary did a complete 180, and decided that maybe this guy didn't look SO much like her brother, and maybe she could definitely develop a crush on him. On the other side of the room (literally), Danielle and Aussie were discussing The Great Gatsby, Italian travel, and, by the end of the night, the reasons why both of them needed to go home RIGHT NOW. 

So, after explicitly discussing how to end the date together, Danielle and Aussie loudly exclaimed, "Shall we?" and then stood up... breaking up the deep ghost convo and budding chemistry. Dude, it's been a long night. 

Tabs were closed, picture were taken (at the boys' insistence), hugs were given, Aussie was dropped off at his building, and the two girls went home ("home") to discuss the merits of leaving New York before sunrise. A hopeful end to hipster dates? Stay tuned....